Reflections of a Control Junkie

I am Will's Obsessive Behavior

I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

Lately while being sick I have had a debate raging inside me. How do you balance a need to maintain iron control with the need to live a full and happy life? When is too much of a good thing not so good for your whole sense of well being. I can rattle off the nutritional values of most the foods I eat on a regular basis. I can calculate the calories of the carbohydrate, fat and protein content. I know my BMI and requirements to the third decimal place. I can see how my test levels fall on the charts I have created. But how do you chart satisfaction? When have you crossed the line where you wake up a slave to your own methods? Do I wake tomorrow and find that my shoes are too tight, but it does not matter because I have forgotten how to dance?

Let me go back to the beginning of my journey on the path of management. When I was diagnosed and the initial shock wore off I met a new force in my life. My inner diabetes policeman. A dark and brooding figure armed with a truncheon of fear, and a scrapbook full of pictures of my mother's downward spiral into an abyss of complications that consumed her. I became an archetypal Üuberdiabetic. A desperate person swearing to seek perfection so what had passed would not happen to me. In my diabetes class I was the one who always had the right answer for the questions asked. I had done a lot of homework to learn all I could to fight for my life. I may have become a bit insufferable. I did not need others to lay the burden of profound guilt on me, I could do it all by my self and I was quite good at it. By now I know enough to be able to temper my need for control with my need for growth.

Lately I have had a change of attitude. The advice of my diabetes coaches is beginning to sink in. We are not perfect, you live life one day at a time and do what you can each day to find a balance. You gratefully take each small victory and diligently learn from your mistakes. You experiment with different methods and strategies to lead a life worth living. It is a lifelong process and you are allowed to make mistakes along the way. If you do not risk you end up missing opportunities for growth, acceptance and happiness.

So here I am. I stand on the edge of the cliff of rigid control frightened and exhilarated. Feeling like a young bird spreading its wings and wondering how they will carry me to new heights. All it knows is it's time to leave the safety of the nest and find its own way in the world. Maybe it is my time to fly.

Till we meet again, live your life with passion, live it with joy, and wonder. Try to be good to yourself, and do something good for others. Always remember we all can fly.

Will